Demand avoidance is a behaviour seen in many neurodiverse children, referring to the active resistance to demands and expectations. While we all avoid certain demands from time to time, ADHD and autistic children may experience this avoidance in a more intense and pervasive way. Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), a profile of autism, is characterized by demand avoidance as a defining and overwhelming trait. However, milder forms can also be observed in ADHD children, making it crucial to understand the differences and how best to support children who exhibit this behaviour.
What is Demand Avoidance?
Demand avoidance is exactly what it sounds like: a tendency to avoid demands. Demands can be anything that a person is “expected” to do—whether it’s a directive from a parent like “put on your shoes” or a basic need such as toileting, brushing teeth, or washing hair. For children with neurodiverse conditions, the presence of things they “have” to do can feel overwhelming and triggering, leading to heightened demand avoidance.
What’s happening is that demands can feel like a threat to autonomy, triggering a stress response. Imagine a parent asking their child to “go put on your shoes,” and the child responds with refusal, yelling, or running away. In that moment, the demand caused a stress response (fight, flight, freeze) due to a lack of control or agency that the child felt. The more direct the demand, the bigger the escalation can be, especially if the child is already overwhelmed or finds the task particularly difficult.
Demand Avoidance Spectrum
Like many behaviours in the neurodiversity world, demand avoidance exists on a spectrum. Milder forms may be observed as part of ADHD, while the more extreme presentation is known as PDA, a profile of autism.
Spotlight on Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)
PDA is characterized by extreme avoidance of everyday demands, often triggered by a sense of losing control. Children with PDA may go to great lengths to avoid tasks, even ones they typically enjoy, because the demand itself creates anxiety and panic. This anxiety-driven behaviour can be confused with defiance, but it’s essential to understand that for children with PDA, it’s not a matter of “won’t,” but “can’t.”
Key traits of PDA include:
- Avoiding everyday demands through social strategies like distraction, withdrawal, or role-play.
- Intense emotions and mood swings.
- A desire for control that may manifest as a need to direct interactions or even reverse roles with adults.
- Heightened anxiety, sometimes escalating to panic attacks or meltdowns when autonomy feels threatened.
- Use of social camouflage, where they may seem socially capable while masking deeper struggles.
- Resistance to self-care demands, such as hair washing, teeth brushing, and even toileting.
- Difficulty understanding social hierarchy, often resulting in children trying to “parent” or teach alongside adults.
Children with PDA often experience a cumulative effect where their capacity to manage demands decreases over time, especially if they face too many expectations for extended periods. Essentially, their ability to cope diminishes as they become more burned out.
PDA and Dual Diagnosis of ADHD and Autism
Children with both ADHD and autism may show PDA traits. The impulsive, inattentive, and hyperactive behaviours of ADHD can exacerbate the anxiety linked to demand avoidance, making it even more challenging for these children to manage everyday demands.
If you are seeking more information about PDA, visit the PDA Society (https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/) for resources and support.
Mild Demand Avoidance in ADHD
While PDA represents an extreme, children with ADHD can also experience milder forms of demand avoidance. For them, it is often situational and stems from difficulty with executive functioning tasks, low frustration tolerance, or anxiety around failure. Though less intense, this form of avoidance can still disrupt daily routines.
Common signs of mild demand avoidance in ADHD include:
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- Procrastination: Putting off tasks that feel overwhelming.
- Excuses: Finding reasons why the task can’t be done right now (e.g., “I’ll do it later,” “I’m too tired”).
- Internal avoidance: Getting lost in daydreams, withdrawing, or focusing on distractions to avoid demands.
- Low frustration tolerance: Steering clear of tasks that seem too hard or boring.
- Argumentative: Debating why a task should be avoided.
Strategies for Supporting Children with Demand Avoidance
Whether dealing with PDA or milder forms of demand avoidance, the focus should be on reducing anxiety and creating a supportive environment that minimizes perceived demands. These strategies allow the child to feel more in control and less overwhelmed.
1. Predictable Routines
Establishing clear routines helps children feel safe by reducing uncertainty. For example, setting specific shower times throughout the week can create predictability and minimize resistance.
- Reflection: How can you introduce consistency in daily tasks without making it feel like a demand?
- Example: Create a “Shower Schedule” chart that the child can decorate, allowing them to visualize the routine.
2. Offer Choices and Flexibility
Instead of direct instructions, provide options to give a sense of autonomy. For example, let your child choose between two tasks or decide whether to complete the task now or in 10 minutes.
- Reflection: What choices can you offer to provide a sense of control while still ensuring tasks are completed?
- Example: “Would you like to brush your teeth before or after reading a bedtime story?
3. Reframe Language
Avoid triggering words like “must,” “have to,” or “now.” Instead, use positive phrasing, e.g., “Let’s get this done so we can relax afterward.”
- Reflection: What words or phrases can you replace to create a more inviting approach?
- Example: “How about we tidy up together, and then we can play a game?”
4. Use Declarative Language
Declarative language involves sharing observations or stating facts without issuing a direct command. The goal is to provide information in a way that invites a child to engage without feeling pressured or cornered. For example, saying, “It looks chilly outside, I’m going to grab my jacket,” subtly encourages the child to think about doing the same, without making it a demand. This approach respects the child’s autonomy and reduces the likelihood of triggering a stress response.
- Reflection: How can you frame statements to gently encourage your child to take action, without making it feel like a demand?
- Example: “I see there are a lot of toys on the floor, and I’m a bit worried someone might trip and get hurt.” You might follow up with, “I wonder if we could sort this out together.”
This approach allows the child to process the information and decide how to respond, fostering collaboration and reducing resistance.
5. Build Trust and Collaboration
Especially in PDA, trust is essential. Work collaboratively, presenting yourself as an ally rather than an authority figure.
- Reflection: How can you foster collaboration so tasks feel more like a team effort?
- Example: “Let’s work together to figure out the best way to get this done.”
6. Anxiety Management
Addressing underlying anxiety is key. Mindfulness exercises, sensory breaks, or quiet retreat spaces can be helpful.
- Reflection: What calming strategies can you incorporate to help manage anxiety before it escalates?
- Example: Set up a “calm corner” with soft textures, fidget toys, and a visual timer.
Visual Analogy: The Curling Game
When I think of parenting a demand-avoidant child, I imagine a curling game. That stone sliding across the ice represents your child, gently moving toward their goals. The curling players don’t touch the stone but work around it, clearing the path, smoothing the way, and subtly guiding its direction. In the same way, demands can’t be forced. Instead, we work around them, supporting our children by clearing obstacles, offering subtle direction, and ensuring their path is smooth. This approach supports their growth, and eventually, they reach the target on their terms.
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