Let’s begin with the hard truth that so many parents carry but rarely say aloud: If your nervous system is overloaded, your child’s isn’t going to magically settle.
And no — this does not mean you’re a bad parent. It means your body is doing exactly what it was designed to do. Because co-regulation is biology, not behaviour management.
Your child — especially if they are neurodivergent — is constantly scanning the emotional tone of the room.
Not for what you say.
But for how you feel.
For what your nervous system is broadcasting, even if you’re working hard to mask it.
So when you’re exhausted, overstimulated, or bracing for another meltdown before it even begins — they feel that. And they often absorb it.
This isn’t about perfection.
This is about capacity.
Co-regulation doesn’t require you to be a Zen master. It simply asks that you have enough internal space to be present, to be someone your child can anchor to when their own nervous system is fraying at the edges.
But the truth is, many of us are trying to co-regulate while already running on empty.
We’re:
- waking up overwhelmed
- clenching our jaws by breakfast
- reacting before we’ve had a chance to pause
- ending the day with shame, wondering if we “ruined” something
This isn’t because you’re doing it wrong.
It’s because no one ever taught you how to regulate.
No one ever showed you how to tend to your own nervous system needs.
And if you’re parenting a child with ADHD — a child whose brain lights up in response to threat, stimulation, or uncertainty more intensely than their peers — then you are holding even more. And it’s okay to name that.
Here’s what the science tells us:
Co-regulation is more than a parenting tool. It’s a nervous system response. Our calm literally has the power to down-regulate another person’s stress response. Research from the Child Mind Institute notes that when an adult manages their own emotional state, it directly supports the child’s ability to return to calm. In fact, our stress can raise our child’s cortisol, while our regulation can lower it.
ADHD adds another layer. ADHD children aren’t just “more emotional.” They often experience emotions more intensely and for longer than neurotypical peers. Their regulatory systems are developing on a different timeline — often up to 30% behind their age in executive function skills.
That means they don’t just benefit from co-regulation.
They depend on it.
And they depend on you.
So what does this look like in practice?
- Regulate you first. You can’t pour from an empty nervous system. Before you step in, take a moment to check in with yourself. Are you breathing shallowly? Is your heart racing? Do you feel like you’re bracing? These are all cues from your body. Pause. Breathe. Soften.
- Forget being calm all the time. Focus on feeling grounded. Your child doesn’t need you to be perfect — they need you to be present. Co-regulation happens when our presence feels steady enough to hold theirs. That might mean slowing down your speech, softening your voice, or just making eye contact at their level.
Repair is more important than getting it “right.” Maybe you yelled. Maybe you shut down. That’s okay. You can always come back. Say, “That felt hard. I lost my cool. Want to try again together?” Repair teaches more than perfect regulation ever could.
The ADHD parenting world is full of charts, strategies, and tools.
But what’s often missing is what sits underneath it all: the nervous system.
Regulation doesn’t begin with routines.
It begins with the body.
And that means it begins with you.
If you’re showing up to a moment of dysregulation from a place of depletion — you’re going to burn out. And your child is going to feel it.
You deserve support too. You deserve a toolkit that honours your capacity, not just your child’s behaviour.
That’s exactly why I created Chaos to Calm.
This month inside Chaos to Calm:
🌀 Live parent coaching every week
🌀 Nervous system-informed regulation tools
🌀 Full ADHD Parenting Toolkit
🌀 Live Co-Regulation Masterclass and Q&A
and of course a community of other parents who get it!
If you’re craving support — not just for strategies, but for you — try our 7-day free trial.
Access everything. Cancel anytime. But if you choose to stick around? Only $22/month for a limited time.
Recent Comments